Paralysis of hazel's son

"And why is it, O Lord, that I am not able to confess my sins without adding a justification clause to them? Why this temptation to look for plausible reasons for mistakes and sins committed purely because I was capable of nothing better? Why do my words sound nebulous and dumb while describing my sins and so sharp and eloquent while describing those of others? Will I ever have the courage to look at myself through the honest eyes of those whom I dishonestly regard as my foes? What is it in me that has kept me from closing the gap between my declared love for my mother and all that she stood for on the one hand AND my secret unwillingness to rise to her lap? O, this paralysing fear of looking her in the eye!! Will she ever own me, if I was ever to be deemed worthy of being her son again? And if she does, will I be content to depend purely on her love rather than look to be worthy of the warmth of her arms? Will I ever find answers to the million disturbing questions and self doubts which spring forth from the very mention of the names of the Masters I so unabashedly pretend to worship ?" said Hazel's son watching his mother walk slowly away into the golden haze of dust before the setting sun.